For the benefit of those in utter confusion and astonishment over the ridiculous monikers that children are being branded with these days, comes the ruling that all babies are to be equipped with personalised baby clothes.
Back in my day, you could name your son John, David, Michael or Henry and nobody would bat an eyelid. You could hand down personalised baby clothes without feeling the slightest bit silly. Lucy's, Emma's and Sally's could attend school unhindered by needing knowledge of Arabic or Stupid to be able to spell their own names.
But, along with the good old British sense that we used to have, gone are these perfectly acceptable 'nice' names. Young parents would do well to remember that children often grow to suit their names. 'Never marry a Terry' my old mum used to say, 'they're always trouble!' Oh, how I wish I'd listened!
I married a Terry. Not content with realising my mother was right, I had a son with this man and named him Terry too! Talk about glutton for punishment! My husband is now my ex and my son hasn't given me a moment's peace since he was born. I wonder if you entered a playgroup and all the kids were wearing personalised baby clothes, how many 'Terry's' would be taking toys off other kids with a scowl on their faces?
This news may not bode well with the likes of Robert Rodriguez who has named two of his children Rebel and Rogue. This man is setting himself up for early ageing. For goodness sake man, put them in personalised baby clothing so everyone else has fair warning.
Of course back in the old, old days many people were aptly named for their professions, hence the names Smith, Barber, Baker etc. Does this still apply? If so, we have Moxie CrimeFighter, daughter of magician Penn Jillette who has a career already mapped out for her (poor girl!).
US actor Jason Michael Lee has named his child Pilot Inspektor, that's got to be a boring career. The same applies to Audio Science, offspring of Shannon Sossamon - only in the US is this possible without incurring the wrath of the child cruelty brigade.
For singer Simon LeBon the careers of his children are well and truly spelt out by the labelling on their personalised baby clothes. Amber Rose, Saffron Sahara and Tallulah Pine are all going to be air freshners.
According to the cowboy and Indian films I watched as a child, Red Indians name their children after the first things they see or hear after childbirth. Not always a bad thing unless you're looking at the pee pot under the bed or the warts on the midwives hands although nothing can be ruled out these days.
This does, however, explain the reasoning behind celebrities naming their spawn Kyd (blindingly obvious), Peaches Honey Blossom, Lark Song, Ocean (I like that one), Apple or Blanket. The couple that have named all their children after Greek gods were possibly on something more than Pethidine when they thought that would be a good idea though.
Two of the Jackson clan have named their children Jermajesty and Prince Michael. Put these kids in personalised baby clothes and show their parents up for the utterly strange thinking! Of course, all parents think their kids are the best - it's natural. But this trend for calling them Prince or Princess in anything other than nickname is ludicrous. In five years time, they'll be a whole class full of princesses - more like proper little madams!
One of these celebrities so many look up to has called their child 'Seven'. Is this because that was the number they'd got up to or because they have a fascination for dwarfs? Put Seven on personalised baby clothes and that wouldn't look too bad, it would just look like a football shirt.
I'm sure once parents are having to buy personalised baby clothes with enough room to print things like Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily there may soon be a shift back to 'Jack' or 'Ann'.